This generation of teens has to deal with most of the same stressors as previous generations, but their challenges have also been compounded in a different way. It’s never been harder to connect with peers, even though they are now right at our fingertips. This generation has an overwhelming amount of pressure to succeed and be supportive (at all hours of the night) while still trying to work on figuring out who they are and what they want to do.
I cannot tell you how many teens and even children report getting messages at 2am, 3am, and 4am! Can you imagine the feeling of being expected to respond at that hour? Often, teens feel that if they do not respond that they are letting their friends down or are not being a good friend. This generation feels more obligated to care for one another at all times of the day. This leads to codependent friendships which will likely lead to codependent romantic relationships in the future. (Codependency means excessive emotional or psychological reliance upon a partner.) The problem with codependent friendships and romantic relationships is that it leads to the belief that without this person you are unable to cope or manage, which may result in feelings of overwhelming sadness, guilt, anxiety, and possibly even panic attacks if/when that other person is unavailable. A person in a codependent relationship might believe that they are just providing great support, but they are actually enabling undesirable behaviors which could possibly lead to feeling trapped in the relationship.
For this reason, it is crucial that parents take a more active role in managing their children’s and/or teens’ screen time. You may feel that your teen is responsible enough to not be on their phones at night, but most of the time when this happens it has nothing to do with the actual teen, but rather “expectations.” That is, if they feel as though they’re expected to provide support to their friends, then they will feel that by not having their phone at night they are going to lose or let down those friends.
What if my teen gets upset?
This is to be expected. If they have had their phone in their room until now, be prepared for a war in the beginning. They may get up in the middle of the night and try to go get it. They also may try to convince you that they would never respond at that hour. The goal though is to help your teen unplug. I would recommend everyone (even you the parent) put your phone in a lock box or somewhere outside of their bedroom. This will help show that it’s not just a teen issue, but a family problem that is being addressed. If you notice that your teen does not seem to be showing progress with handling the change after two weeks, or if the behavior is getting worse, then you may want to consider having your teen meet briefly with a counselor to help them address their concerns and implement coping skills.
What if my teen is concerned about their friend hurting themselves?
This is where you provide your teen with options to help their friend. It’s important to note that a teenager is NOT trained to prevent suicide. Much more effective would be to have your teen let their friend know ahead of time about the new family policy, so that their friend is aware. Then they can send their friend information for the NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE at 1-800-273-8255 or the CRISIS TEXT LINE where if they text HOME to 741741 they will be able to talk to a professional crisis worker. They can also talk to their friend about going to counseling. I have had teens tell me that some friends had parents who were not willing to take them to a counselor. So by providing them with the suicide and crisis hotlines, they are at least getting some type of support. They could also talk with their school social worker, guidance counselor, or another adult they trust. The goal is to help your teen provide their friend with resources so they do not feel like they are leaving their friend without support.
By making this change, you will likely see improvements in everyone’s overall functioning. It can help with better sleep quality, decreasing anxious thoughts, forming less codependent relationships, and improving overall mood. Please consider this for the betterment of your teen and your family.