We all have those friends that seem to always be in relationships.

When you’re the only single friend, it can be difficult to be around friends who seem so blissfully happy in their relationships.

If you’re constantly surrounded by couples, it’s easy to slip into the “What’s wrong with me?” line of thinking. Even if you know a couple is unhappy, it’s hard to ignore the envy you feel at their companionship.

I’m here to tell you that even though you might feel it, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! According to research done in 2015 by Pew Research Center, 64% of teenagers have not been in a romantic relationship and only 35% have actually had some experience with dating or romantic relationships.

That’s about 6- 7 out of 10 people who are NOT in a relationship. And out of 10 teens, only 3-4 people have had any experience.

So what does this mean? It means that most teenagers are not dating.

Even if it feels as though all your friends have it figured out or that you’re the only one without stories to tell, memories to make, or a date for all the dances, you’re actually in the majority.

As a counselor who has worked with adolescents, I often find that high school relationships can be very damaging. I have seen people struggle with depression, suicidal ideation, self-harm, sexual assault, low self-esteem, physically abusive partners, pressure to have sex before they are ready, and unwanted pregnancy…all before they’ve figured out their own wants & needs from a relationship.

Most teens struggle in their first relationships, from feeling like their identity is tied to their partner, to fear of being alienated from their social group, and wind up staying in unhealthy or even toxic relationships because starting over with someone else just seems too hard.

It can be hard to undo the damage done at this stage. These formative relationships can create a pattern of dating in the future that can be hard to change.  It can impact every aspect of your life from family, friends, school performance, job performance, and overall self-worth.

So, what do you do with this information? How can you learn to handle & express the feelings you’re having right now in a healthy way?

Prepare.

You can prepare for future relationships by following these 3 steps so that when the opportunity comes you feel more ready for dating.

Step 1: Work on your communication with the current people in your life.

Are you a positive friend? A respectful son or daughter? Do you build relationships with your teachers?  Ever initiate conversation with others? Do you struggle sharing your feelings out of fear of rejection?

Spend the time now to work on trying to communicate more to others outside of your comfort zone.  Habits are hard to break and forming better habits now will help down the road. After all, dating is communication. If communication is a constant problem in your other relationships, it will come up as a problem in future romantic relationships.  Learn to communicate. Put yourself out there. Learn to be confident in who you are and sharing that with others.

Step 2:  Practice finding comfort in being alone.

I was always taught that if you can’t be okay alone then you won’t be successful in relationships. When I was younger I didn’t fully understand what my mom was trying to teach me. After going to college and meeting more people I began to understand.

By practicing being comfortable alone you find independence. You aren’t waiting for someone to come and take care of you or to swoop in and solve your problems for you. You already know how to support yourself and you are fully looking for a partner or teammate instead of someone rescuing you from whatever you want to run away from.

 The more comfortable you become with being alone, the more confidence you exude, the more confidence you exude, the more attractive you become to others, and the more secure it becomes to be selective in your dating. Being selective will help you in finding a partner that matches your expectations and meets your needs, which leads me to…

Step 3: Building your confidence or self-worth.

When you enter the dating scene, you either attract someone who reflects where you are in your own life, or someone who doesn’t. If you haven’t practiced being confident in yourself or your needs, the danger becomes attracting a toxic partner, and getting stuck in abusive relationship. This means getting involved with someone who puts you down emotionally, who is controlling, or even possibly physically abusive.

If you put yourself down, it’ll be harder to break out of the toxic pattern, and harder to realize when you’re being mistreated. If your partner’s actions toward you reflect your own negative self-talk, it will be that much harder to realize that the relationship is abusive.  The more you work on believing in you the more you won’t settle for someone who tears you down because they are struggling with emptiness.

Talk it out in the comments:

What is your biggest fear in dating? What step do you feel will be the hardest for you?