Do you find yourself frequently saying “Yes” when others ask for something (time, favors, money, etc.) from you?
Do you find it hard to say no? Do you feel guilty if you do? You’re probably having trouble with people pleasing.What does it mean to be a people pleaser? According to an article written by Amy Morin on Psychology Today, people pleasing is when one seems to frequently “confuse pleasing people with kindness. When discussing their reluctance to turn down someone’s request for a favor, they say things like, ‘I don’t want to be selfish,’ or ‘I just want to be a good person.” Consequently, they allow others to take advantage of them.”If this sounds familiar, it’s possible that you’re struggling with a people pleasing compulsion.
When I was in college I was stretched so thin between classes, clubs, social life, and even further across my personal life. I was involved in way too many volunteer projects, thinking I could run the show for all of them. It got to the point where I would wake up dreading starting my day. I knew how daunting my to-do list was, and I was overwhelmed, realizing I had bit off more than I could chew. Instead of cutting back, I started giving up sleep, making myself even more overtired the next day. I was afraid to take a day off from a club or project or a class, because I didn’t want to let anyone down, so I carried on, wearing myself out more and more. My wake up came when I caught bronchitis. I had been neglecting my health, both mental and physical, and it took a huge physical toll. My fear of asking for help and my inability to say no landed me with an illness that lasted two weeks. While I know looking back now, I could have emailed my group members and asked for help or dropped a few things from my roster, it took my body succumbing to illness, forcing me to put everything on hold while I recovered, for me to realize in the moment that there was a problem.
What can you learn from this? It is OKAY–let me say that again–IT IS OKAY, for you to ask for help or to say no! Everyone gets burnt out from time to time, and it is so much better to learn to take care of yourself first, to find your limits and to respect them, before trying to help someone else.
Here are some tips for you to remember if you feel you are struggling with being a people pleaser:
Start to say no to small requests:
This will help you start the habit so when larger requests come you will be able to say no to those without feeling guilty.
Know your limits:
Take time to get to know yourself, and balance time out each day for proper self-care (I.e, taking a long shower, painting your nails, watching Netflix, or reading)
Be assertive:
It is hard to speak your feelings to those in authority over you, but it’s such an important skill to learn and you will gain their respect by doing it! Speak in I statements: “I need, I feel” –this helps them listen to exactly what you need, and gives them direct tools they can use to help you balance your time or give you extra help on whatever it is you need.
Use a planner:
It is so important to manage your time well. We live in a country that is go-go-go all the time! Before you say yes to a request, look at your planner and see what actually works for you. Can you fit in what they need? Do you really have time for it? If there isn’t room for it in your calendar, there isn’t room for it on your plate! It is not healthy or realistic to be busy from the time you get up each day to the to the stroke of midnight. Plan wisely & leave yourself some time to recharge.
Affirmations:
If you have done the above tips but still feel guilty that’s ok! It’s completely normal and expected while you learn to be easy on yourself. Remind yourself that your intentions are good. You are only human and can only do so much. If another person doesn’t understand, that’s ok! It’s not their life and you need to do this for yourself, so you can recharge so you don’t get burnt out or sick. The feeling will pass. Remember: “You can’t pour from an empty cup, take care of yourself first”.
I hope these tips help you if you struggling with people pleasing. If you feel like you may need more support, accountability or encouragement on this topic, come talk to a therapist! Give us a call to schedule an appointment to discuss how we can best help you.
