With the recent Valentine’s Day holiday, it is important to bring up what in fact makes a relationship healthy versus unhealthy. Many teens and young adults do not think about the expectations they have for relationships when they begin to feel attraction to peers. It is important to educate teens about understanding what they want in a relationship and how to determine if it is healthy for them.
A Relationship Story
To paint a picture of healthy relationship discovery is to tell the story of a girl I went to high school with. For the sake of privacy, we will refer to her as “Julie.” Julie was a well-liked sophomore in high school and was involved in many school activities. Julie was captain of the dance team and had many friends. Julie, however, lacked insight when it came to her romantic relationships. Julie’s mom was very closed off to talking about relationships. She would try to change the subject when Julie would talk about boys. Julie would talk to her friends about boys she found attractive but was always too shy to approach.
Asking a Boy to a Dance
One day, the turnabout dance was coming up and Julie hoped she could ask a boy to the dance. She had eyes for this popular boy of whom she never really talked to. Thinking it was a good idea, Julie asked this boy to the dance through her Facebook status tagging his name. Sadly, to Julie’s dismay, he had already been asked and commented underneath that he would have to decline. Julie felt sad, and a little embarrassed she had put her request out on Facebook for all to see her get rejected.
Things Getting Uncomfortable
Julie instead asked another boy who was friends of another friend of hers. He was handsome and charming, as well as a basketball player. She was swooning over him. At the dance, they enjoyed their time until he began to touch her in places she was not comfortable with. She would swat his hands away, and he would instead laugh and not take her seriously. Julie decided to use the bathroom and asked one of her friends to come with. She explained to her friend that her date was getting touchy with her. However, her friend told her that it meant he must like her and be physically attracted to her.
Accepting Disrespect
Julie excused away the behavior and often felt uneasy around him. They ended up dating, but Julie knew in her heart he did not respect her. She worried if she broke up with him, she would never find anyone else. Julie instead put up with his treatment. He called her nasty names. He made her feel guilty for going out with girlfriends instead of him and often criticized her for not answering his texts soon enough.
Discovering a Healthy Relationship
Julie broke up with him but felt like her heart was broken. She was also very confused about how she found herself in this place of doubt and hurt. She worried she would be forever alone, and that every boy she would date could be a jerk like this boy. After a year or so Julie met another boy, they began a friendship. They ended up dating casually. They would go on dates and often split the bill. He was very attentive to her feelings. He encouraged her to hang out with her girlfriends as well as to never do anything that made her uncomfortable.
The Moral of the Story
In Julie’s story, the guy she first dated did not treat her with respect. He often pushed boundaries, emotionally manipulated her, and made her uncomfortable. This was a story of control. Often teens do not realize when they are being disrespected and can excuse away bad behavior to keep a relationship status. Sacrificing your mental health for another person, whether it be romantic, or a friendship relationship is never worth it. Healthy relationships start with mutual respect, boundaries, clear expectations, communication, and trust. Without any of these attributes, the relationship can fail and cause more harm than good.
Tips for Teens Getting into a New Relationship
Here are a couple of tips to remember when getting into a new relationship:
- Don’t make choices out of the fear that this person is your only shot at love.
- Avoid jumping in too soon. Create a friendship first.
- Do make a checklist of characteristics you’re looking for and stick to it.
- Make sure lust is not guiding your decision
- Assert boundaries. If they don’t like them they don’t have them. No always means NO!
- Do not confuse an emotional rollercoaster for being crazy for someone.
- Find someone you can be yourself around.
- You can’t change them or make them be someone they’re not.
- If they make you feel guilty or bad about who you are, they aren’t for you.
- Choose someone who brings the best out of you, not the stress out of you.
Remind Teens to Love Themselves First
Using the above tips can help guide your teen to in figuring out whether a relationship with someone they’re interested in is best for them. Relationships do take time and emotional commitment. Remind your teen that not all fulfillment comes from relationships. Sometimes loving themselves first can help them to love someone else that much more.
