Five Ways to Decrease Tension in the Home

Have you ever felt like you don’t want to go home? You are so tired of the uncomfortable feeling there, that you’d prefer to work more just to avoid the stress of home? If this is you, you aren’t alone. I have had teens in my office ask, “Can’t I just stay here longer?” They don’t want to go home either, even though they may be the main cause of all the stress.

The problem with avoidance, though, is that it usually leads to more problems. As a parent, you may feel like you can’t talk to your son or daughter without things becoming “heated.” Tempers begin to flare, and everyone leaves the argument feeling misunderstood. It is important to try to implement these five strategies to help decrease the tension and have your home be the retreat you always wanted it to be.

1. Apologize

This may seem like an awful idea, especially if your teen is the one causing all the stress and tension, but parents can make problems worse. As a parent, you have to be willing to own up to your part in discord. Did you explode on your son yesterday for something small? Are you only interacting with your daughter to complain about something she hasn’t done? These are patterns that can perpetuate conflict.

By apologizing for not handling things well, it encourages your teen to lower their walls, too. They can stop being on guard, see that you recognize you are human, and that may open up the door to improved communication. Parents often feel that their kids are inducing stress purposefully, and usually that’s just not the case. Teens are trying to figure things out and that means making mistakes. Teach them that admitting their mistakes shows growth. How can we ask that of them if we are not willing to do it ourselves?

2. Check in more

Teens will constantly say that their parents ask them the same question every day and they really believe their parents don’t care how they respond.

Question:  How was your day?
Answer: Fine.

This makes teens feel as though you don’t want to know how they are really doing. Is this a parent’s intention? No, but teens know when their parents are stressed, and they don’t want to add more to their plate. Asking more questions allows for honest feedback and a chance to figure out what may be impacting their behaviors.

Here are 10 questions you can ask instead of “how was your day?”

1. What was the best part of your day?
2. Tell me something that really bothered you today.
3. What is one of your friends struggling with right now?
4. Who do you eat lunch with?
5. What would you change about one of your teachers?
6. What is something that overwhelms you at school?
7. What was the best day you have had this year? What happened that day?
8. What is something I can do to support you more at school or at home?
9. When do you feel the most comfortable or safe?
10. What is something you would change about today?

3. Spend one-on-one time together

It often becomes more difficult to provide quality time during the teen years. Teens have more homework and are usually involved in more activities or working part-time. It becomes harder to carve out individual time together and that means the interactions you do have may be more focused on what they are not doing instead of how they are doing. By spending individual time together, you get to relax and hopefully you get to see a different side of your son or daughter. Likewise, they also get to see a different side of you.

You might do something new together or just take a long walk or drive. Simply spending more time together can lead to positive interaction. Just try not to have an agenda! Sometimes parents do this and have things they want to talk about or get off their chest. This leads to the fun time ending in an explosion. Don’t use this as a time to resolve major issues. You might be tempted as you don’t get their full attention very often, but I urge you to avoid using this time to air grievances. The goal of this time is to build a better foundation/relationship with your teen NOT to fix problems.

4. Speak to them in their love language

Gary Chapman came up with the concept of the five love languages. The five love languages are: quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts, and physical touch. Please take the time to read The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers. By giving the love your teenager needs this will improve how they engage with you. If your love language is gifts and you are giving your teenager smalls gifts, but they don’t appear to appreciate them, it may be because that is not on of their love languages. This can end up in conflict or tension in the home. By being more aware of your teenager’s way of receiving love you open the door to a better relationship.

5. Forgive

This is probably one of the most difficult things on this list. Teens make constant mistakes! It could be vaping, drinking, skipping classes, choosing poor friendships, sending inappropriate pictures, or just taking their stress out on you or other family members. It can feel as though your teen is the most selfish person on Earth, and this can lead to guilt and questioning yourself as a parent. Such guilt can cause you to be resentful and take your feelings of failure as a parent out on your unsuspecting teen.

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs you will ever have and unfortunately, you can’t decide what potholes or roads your teen takes to figure out who they are and what they want in life. Yet you can be a supportive parent who is there for them through the growing pains. Support does not mean excusing their behaviors; it means setting boundaries and loving them through all of it. Forgive your teenager, forgive yourself, and know that today you can take small steps to reduce the level of stress in your home.