We’ve all been there, whether it was the loss of a pet, a grandparent, or even a close friend. Losing a loved one is never easy, and often leaves one brokenhearted and down in the dumps. Grief happens in different stages for everyone. No one person will experience grief in the same way as another. It is important to keep this in mind when teaching kids and teens how to cope following the loss of someone or something they loved very much.
My Own First Grief Experience
I can remember back when I had my first hamster. I was so excited to have a pet of my own. I could not wait to go to the pet store and pick out my new friend. I was over the moon! My mom warned me that a hamster takes a lot of responsibility and work to make sure they stay healthy and well cared for. She also warned me to prepare myself for the fact that hamsters only live about three years. Of course, I pretty much ignored my mom as if she had not mentioned that at all. I was just too excited to be bringing my new hamster home to take time to think of such things.
Flash forward a few years; I loved my hamster! I would often do my homework in our study, where I could take my hamster out of her cage and let her run around in her hamster ball. I enjoyed telling her about my day, and she brought me great joy watching her roll about the floor of the room. I realized she was getting older, but I could not bear to think that one day she might not be on this earth anymore.
I remember the day that I had to leave for college and leave my beloved hamster in the care of my mom and sister. I was worried, but I knew they would take good care of her. I missed her greatly while at school and would often ask them to send me pictures and videos of her to help with the distance. On breaks, I would come home and, before even greeting my family members, I would run right into the study and take her out of her cage to greet her. My mom and other family members were often jealous that I cared more about seeing my hamster when I got home than I did them.
Loss and Grieving
There eventually came the dreaded time; I knew my hamster was getting old. I had to return to school to take my midterms and knew I would be home again for spring break, so I quickly said goodbye to my hamster and told her I would see her soon! When I got back from taking my midterm exams and started my spring break, I immediately ran into the study only to notice something was not right. My hamster’s cage still stood in its normal spot, but I could not see her in her usual place. I opened up the cage only to find that my beloved hamster was nowhere to be found. I began to fear the worst. Sure enough, my mom and sister confirmed she had passed while I was taking my midterm exams, and they were afraid to tell me until I was done.
This was one of my very first experiences with death. It may sound silly that my first brush with grief came from losing a little rodent, but that experience taught me a lot about the grieving process. I remember crying every night for about a week, then slowly beginning to fear that maybe had I not gone back to school, she would still be alive. I denied the fact she was old and that it was “her time,” as many people told me. It hurt too much to think of her no longer being there to comfort me after all the times she brought me so much joy!
Death as a Part of Life
Eventually, I did come to a place of acceptance, but it took time to grieve and mourn my little furry friend. It helped me to appreciate life more, and to never take it for granted. This also helped me experience grief in a way that prepared me for other losses later in life. Unfortunately, grandparents, as well as friends’ family members, would get old or sick and I would eventually have to grieve humans. But the true lesson I learned is to honor the life lived, regardless of whether it was a furry friend or a human. Each one is a gift, put here to bring us joy and community with one another.
I also learned to be patient with my emotions and seek out friends and family members to talk to about my struggles with missing my loved ones. It helped to feel that I was not alone in the process, as well as to be heard and have my feelings validated.
Helping Others Cope with Loss
When helping your teens and children with grief, here are five important things to keep in mind:
- Everyone experiences grief differently; don’t try to one-up or tell them how to feel. Let them experience their emotions and try to validate them as well as you can.
- Understand it is a process; there is no timeline of when grief begins or ends. Let them talk and take as much time as they need.
- Help them do something to honor their loved one. Options include planting a tree in their honor, running a 5K, making a quilt out of their old t-shirts, or making a scrapbook of memories.
- Keep talking about the deceased loved one. It can be hard for many people and may feel awkward to stir up memories of a loved one who has passed. But it can often help your teen to know you are comfortable talking about their lost loved one and keeping their memory alive.
- Remind them not to fear death, but rather to live in the present moment. It is okay to be happy even after the loss of a loved one.
Keeping these things in mind will help while following the path to healing. It takes patience with your loved ones and yourself to wade through the emotions and allow yourself to feel grief. Don’t be afraid to reach out and talk if you or your teens are struggling.
