“They said it would get easier. They said it would be fun.”
I don’t know who “they” are, but parenting teens in this generation isn’t close to being easy. The reality is that teens can be draining.
As they look for independence they begin to act like they know everything, talk back more, and always have excuses.
I WAS THAT TEEN.
I was THAT teen who thought she knew everything. My goal was to correct anyone and everyone. I also thought I had everything figured out so why would I need help? I remember vividly one time my mom and I were in the car. We were talking about another teacher that I didn’t like and continued to get in trouble with for talking, not listening, and being uncooperative. When you think you know everything it’s hard to believe that a teacher you don’t like will add value to your world. My mom asked, “Jessica, each year you have a problem with a teacher. Do you ever stop and think that maybe the problem might be you?” I, of course, told her no, but it did make me wonder.
As an adult, I can recognize I was part of the problem.
My mom clearly knew I was too, but I am grateful for her approach to my stubbornness and obstinance. Parenting is recognizing the strengths and weaknesses in your son or daughter. Deciding to highlight the strengths and choosing your battles on their weaknesses.
By using these 5 parenting tips you will have better communication, enjoy being home more, and feel closer to your teen.
BUILD THEM UP – ENCOURAGE AND KEEP ENCOURAGING.
It is crucial that your teen is given positive feedback as much as possible during this time.
During this developmental age, teens often feel as though others are watching them more and criticizing their choices. For this reason, there is often more insecurity and a lack of trust in themselves. You may feel that when you do encourage your son or daughter that they do not respond or they ignore it. You may not get what you were looking for back, but I promise you they are listening and are hearing you. I have teens come in all the time and say, “My mom said that” or “That’s what my dad said!”
Keep providing encouragement it will pay off down the road. They will eventually thank you, even if it is in adulthood.
LISTEN EVEN WHEN THEY’RE WRONG.
This may seem like a tough one as parents like to “fix” things. I can’t tell you how many times I have told teens, “You get to choose and I will be here regardless of what decision you make.”
Sometimes, they will make the wrong choice and you know that they are making it, but it is theirs to make. This may seem like crazy parenting, but it’s helping your teen tremendously.
As much as we want to be in control and be able to “set them straight,” sometimes this philosophy leads to more acting out. You may be thinking, but I don’t condone their decision – and by no means are you condoning them by saying you will be there.
By going the route I’m suggesting your son or daughter is: more likely to listen to what you have to say, not become oppositional, and be more open to accepting your advice in the future. You also have to be willing to listen to them. Don’t ignore their thoughts and feelings as this leads to them doing the same behavior to you. Give them a chance to get out what they are feeling as this will likely help them to not just react hastily or impulsively.
FIND JOINT ACTIVITIES/HOBBIES.
Having activities that you enjoy doing with your son or daughter help with connection! Also, the more you connect with your teen the easier parenting becomes. You feel more included in their lives and they feel more valued. If you do not have an activity or something you enjoy doing with your teen then I challenge you to work on finding one. Activities help us to build relationships, provide time for open communication, and help us to create lasting memories. Remember, you may have taken the time to learn or understand the activity that maybe your boyfriend or girlfriend enjoyed just so that you can spend more time with him or her. The same thing needs to occur with your teen. Even if you don’t enjoy it, by taking an interest in it their activity you allow your teen to be a leader and form a strong bond!
COMPROMISE WHEN YOU CAN.
Compromising with a teen is a nice win for everyone. If your son or daughter wants to go out to a party and you don’t have a good feeling about it, compromise. “I will drive you there,” or “you can go but I want you home by 10pm.” Maybe they want a new phone, but it is way too expensive. A compromise might be to have them pay for half of it or to do a prepaid plan to keep the bill down. Regardless of what you come up with, the goal is to keep the conversation going. This helps them to see that everything isn’t an instant no. When teens know that the answer will likely always be a no, can guess what they begin to do? They stop asking, start just doing it, and apologizing later (if they are caught). This can lead to more problems as they may believe that they are smarter, feel the risks are worth the reward, and possibly lead to choices that have much more dramatic consequences. Compromise does help with parenting! You don’t have to compromise on everything…just some things.
USE NATURAL CONSEQUENCES.
Natural consequences are the consequences that happen as expected without interference from you. For example, a natural consequence may be that your teen does not shower for 5 days and is teased by friends for smelling badly. Another natural consequence would be that your teen decides to not study for a test and gets an F. Sometimes parents decide that a natural consequence is not enough to deter the bad behavior. In some situations, it can be too many consequences and cause more tension or problems. Anyone who feels bad for their actions is already down, it doesn’t help to add criticism from their loved ones. Sometimes the natural consequences are more than enough! You can use those natural consequences to have an open dialogue because your teen is EXPECTING extra consequences. You are choosing to have a discussion to help them learn and grow. This can help the relationship become deeper and trust to build between both parties. This doesn’t have to be used often for it to be very effective in parenting.
Unfortunately, each child doesn’t come with a manual! There may be times that you try and encourage or connect, but your teen meets you with resistance and anger. Don’t give up! As one of the teens I work with said, “I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to blow up at my parents.” It can feel so personal when you are trying to connect with your teen and you get rejected. I am here to tell you it’s not personal. They are trying to find who they are and sometimes they go about it in the wrong way.
Try out the tips provided above and let me know if they have helped in your home.
Have Questions?
Have questions that you want to be answered in future blog posts? Send me an email at jessica@davis-smithmentalhealth.com or comment below. I read every email provided to me and I will let you know when to look out for that blog post!
